I had a rough spot...

Sorry to everyone. I have had an uneventful, yet busy last couple of weeks. I honestly have had no initiative to do anything. My favorite things are to sleep and eat.

Well, I found out that I was right and it IS a GIRL! A beautiful little girl, at that. Two weeks ago, we went to see my specialist and everything looked good. The problems hadn't gone down, but they weren't growing. Yesterday though, we went and the edema, which is the swelling of fluid under her skin, is getting really bad. It makes me sick even looking at her ultrasound pictures. I hurt for her. They gave me the results from my amnio...she has Turner's syndrome.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Turners_syndrome

It broke my heart. This is not the worse case scenario but I would do ANYTHING for this edema and the cysts to go away. The Turners is liveable, but the cysts and the edema can cause her organs not to grow correctly.

I have decided that school is too stressful for me at this time...and I honestly want to think about baby girl as much as I can before it is too late. It may be stupid of me, but I don't care. I just want to be with my baby.

As far as Arnold goes, there is no way that we are getting back together. I need to move on. With the little one, he is excited, but he knows it doesn't look good. All I can think about is IF she passes away, will he ever remember her? Am I the one to be going to be the only one with her in my mind?

Ahhhh. This is too much. I will try to update more later.

Wow. I am so sorry.

This past week has been a wreck for me-- An emotional, physical, mental wreck!

I started school. I am currently enrolled 16 hours but I am hoping to switch around the days so that I don't have to go on Saturday! Bleh. If I can't, then I am just going to drop that class bc with all of the other classes, it will only add more stress. I only go on average 3-4 hours a day, but my goodness, I never realized how tiring being pregnant is! I have already borrowed a rolling tote bag for when I get extremely in need of help. haha. I have lots of homework due Monday and Tuesday that I really need to work on, but I'm too exhausted to pick up those heavy books. lol.

Arnold and I had a good long talk the other night about our relationship. He has finally come to the realization that to be honest with ourselves, we will not work out. We just have worked for soooo long on being "perfect" for each other that we didn't even realize that it's just never going to happen. He wants me to be happy and he wants me to find someone that will make me happy...and I as well want that for him. But at the same time, my selfish desires want him back soooo bad. I miss the few happy times we had together. I miss having someone to share things with. I miss him. I guess I need to make a con list of our relationship and look at it everytime I feel like that. We both are very jealous people, and even though we say that we want each other to be happy, I get to where I hate thinking that he might be with someone else other than me! It stinks. And I have been through this before...the pain of heartbreak, although the pain level was much much lower...I know that I can expect someone even better, but right now, with HIS baby, all I can want is HIM. I don't know. I definitely need some wise council in this area, for sure.

My last friend just moved away to college. And what really stinks is that we just now reconnected after months of not talking. He is only an hour away but when I'm going through hard times like this, I need a friend to talk to and hang out with. And I do have friends here, but I'm sure you all know the difference between the different kinds of friends. He is the one friend I can talk to about everything and anything and he'll understand. He's fun to be around as well. I just wish I could be closer to him.

I went to the dr. on Wednesday. They did an ultrasound. The cysts have not gotten larger but not smaller either. So, its staying the same. Praise the Lord for that...I have a heartbeat monitor here at the apartment. I listen to the heartbeat often. Its so soothing to hear. I know that this baby is in the safest place it will ever be until it rests in heaven, hopefully later than sooner, but I am happy that I can offer a nice place for him or her. It comforts me that someone, even though they haven't even been born yet, knows that I am his or her mother.

Ok, I'm about to cry.

Well, I think that this has caused a need for a earlier bedtime tonight. lol.

Keep praying and I should keep you all posted soon.

A long day...

I am finding that I am getting exhausted more easily now than ever. I haven't even done that much today, but I feel like passing out!

There is not much to really update about today...I just want to say thank you to all of my wonderful family and friends. Today I had a great day that just showed how awesome they really are.

I went to lunch with Jamie, a close friend of mine since 7th grade, and some ladies from my church. It is so encouraging to be in the presence of so many God-fearing ladies. It's awesome to feel the love and support. Also, I went to the movies with my brother. It is the first thing that we have done together in a long time, by ourselves. We saw "The Goods." I DO NOT recommend this movie for ANYONE. Not only was the storyline absolutely pointless, it was filled to the brim with complete trash. The language, the content, EVERYTHING! Then, I got to hang out with my friend Shelby, who just moved to Missouri. She has the best sense of humor, and I am glad that I got to spend some time with her. I haven't seen her in months.

Arnold officially moved out last night. It was and is very hard to be alone in this big apartment. I get scared very easily...it will definitely take some getting used to. I would definitely consider a roommate, but once the baby gets here, it would be very hard, for EVERYONE! If I must, my mom said I could borrow my little sister, Hailey, a couple nights a week. haha. Definitely pray for the strength that I can live by myself with peace.

"For I am convinced that neither life nor death, neither angels nor demons, neither the present or the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is of Christ Jesus our Lord."
Romans 8:38-39

Thankful

Isn't it funny how God always puts us in the right place at the right time?

First example, I wasn't going to come back to Hernando until December...so I could finish my first semester out in Texas, where I originally was going to live. BUT, because of insurance reasons and how I missed my family so...I decided to come back as soon as I could. That was two and a half weeks ago. Praise the Lord that I was here with my mom to support me at the doctor when I found out something was wrong. If in Texas, I don't think that I would be halfway alive I would be so depressed.

Second example, may be minor, but I know that God had His hand in it. Today, I went to register for classes. Every line had a line to be able to get into the next line. Seriously. Well, a couple of students had their babies with them. I started to think about my baby and how I might not be able to do that...and that is when I noticed an old friend from school. She had her mother in law with her...and as I updated her on the pregnancy, her MIL reached out and touched my stomach. She held her hand there, and said to me, "Ya know, you really should stop being so negative about this baby. It feels everything you feel, and if you are positive, this baby will be so much happier. I can tell this baby is going to be perfect." I was shocked, but it really encouraged me.

I believe that God places people in our lives for wonderful reasons and I am so glad that He does. Without the support of friends and family, I don't know where I would be.

My OB called today and wants to see me next week. That means that I will have been seen by doctors at least once a week in this month. I was a bit confused as to why my OB needed to see me, but he explained that he wants to track it along with my specialist to find out as much info as possible. I don't mind taking a look at my baby that often, I am just hoping that it doesn't begin to stress me out too much.

I was in my car today picking up my sister from school, and once again the song that has helped me so much in the past couple of days came on.

I was sure by now
That You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining
As the thunder rolls I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry
You raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You
As the thunder rolls I barely hear You whisper through the rain"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth

I love the first part that goes, "I was sure by now that you would have reached down and wiped my tears away. Stepped in and saved the day. But once again, I say "amen", and it's still raining..." So many times, we pray to God, expecting a quick fix. We cry out hearts out to Him, and expect it all to go away. As soon as we say that "amen" though, the pain continues on...but it doesn't have to. I have never ever been in a place in my life like where I am now...it is SO easy for me to do this. That if I pray hard enough, the baby is going to be perfect the next time we get to see him or her. And I am not saying that God is not capable of this, because I am more than happy to have heard stories that this has been the case. But, I know that sometimes though, after we lift our heads up and open our eyes, these "storms" may continue. He has a reason. Maybe it is to make us stronger, maybe to make us wiser, maybe to just teach us a lesson. Whatever the reason is, I know that after I say the word, "amen," I leave it in God's hands. Amen in hebrew is translated as to meaning, "so be it." God is the Ultimate Physician, the Master, the CREATOR. And all I can say to that is "Amen."

Taking it one day at a time.

It is 12:30, Thursday morning. It is way too late for me to be still awake but I can't sleep. I have so much on my mind.

I didn't cry yesterday...which is very suprising. I don't know if its just because I am taking it so well, or if it hasn't really sunk in yet. Either way, I am hopeful that I stay positive. With ALL of the love and support that my family and friends have given me, I don't know how I couldn't. It is so very hard to be trying to juggle daily life along with a baby. Now I have to worry about something else...eek. I will be ok, I need to stop complaining so much.

I have decided that Arnol and I will no longer live together. As far as the relationship goes, we will take it a day at a time. I am not sure that I want to marry him; I refuse to marry him just because of the situation. It wouldn't make anything better, I promise. He is confused as to my reasoning but I know he will do just fine without me. He has for 20 years, he can do it for a while longer. I don't want my baby to have split parents, but ya know what, this is what God calls a consequence for a choice that WE made together as two very SECULAR children. I hope that one day I will actually take God's will into consideration before my own.

Back to the baby, I am so ready to find out if my "mother's intuition" was right and see my little baby GIRL. :) I may be completely wrong, but I don't know...it is just a feeling. Now that I think back to it, I used to tell people that I didn't care if it was a boy or a girl...I just want a healthy baby. Well, now even though healthy would be wonderful, I am hoping for a breathing baby that gives me a while to hold his or HER beautiful earthly body. I bought a baby names book today after the doctors appt. I am hoping that by one of the next two appts, I will find out the sex. Whoo-hoo. I can't wait to buy her (haha, or his) first little outfit. I'm excited.

Well, continue to pray as always. My specific request is for Arnold. He has a hard time to understanding as to why I don't feel as though we should live together. I want God to change is heart. Maybe this baby will be the answer to that.
Well, thank you all for reading...and keep checking back!

The beginning of it all...

For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.
In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will. And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

Romans 8:24-28

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I have never felt in such a way that I do now.

Just a couple months ago, right after I turned 18, I basically ran away. I packed my clothes during the day, and left before my parents got home. They didn't realize until after my curfew that something was wrong. I knew my mom would be hurting that night, and it didn't even really affect me. Why does it matter anyway? Why does she always have to cry? Must be a mom thing.

"There is something abnormal on the ultrasound. There is a lot of fluid on the back of its neck and stomach. Something could be wrong."

Wait...what...The tears start to flow. Must be a mom thing.

I do not think I have ever sobbed so hard. What did I do wrong that ME of ALL people have to had a baby that isn't going to be ok? I cried to God on the way home from my OBGYN appt. that day.

Then it clicked...God got my attention, and He got it FAST.

This is my post to one of the pregnancy boards I go to. It explains the diagnosis and everything...its really too much to re-write.

Well, I went to the dr. Arnold of course didn't wake up when I called him, so I wasn't going to waste my time when he acts like he doesn't care anyways. Well, the ultrasound was good. The tech was soooo much better than the last one. She actually explained to us what everything was unlike the other who made us guess and ask her to make her mad. haha. I noticed what the doctor said was abnormal. It is huge compared to its head, I think anyway. I tried not to freak out. I had to turn every which way but upside down so the baby would quit tucking its little butt under so we could get its measurements. Everything was measuring GREAT! But of course, I couldn't forget that we still had to face the problem.Dr. BK (its short for some awfully hard name lol) is a great doctor and very straightforward. He drew pictures for us and explained everything at least twice. If we asked, he just explained it again. Here is the diagnosis:I'll explain everything. The baby is diagnosed with Non-Immune Hydrops. It is composed of several different complications. First, it is made of anasarca, which is often called edema. It is the swelling of the skin. Next, it is made up of fluid build up in two different parts of the body. In my baby, there is build up around the lungs, which is called pleural effusion...around the heart, which is called pericardial effusion, and some extra in the stomach. Also, commonly associated with the hydrops, there is a cystic hygroma on the back of the neck. It looks like a sac on the back of the neck...and there are two cysts inside. The abnormal embryo dev. could be because of chromosomal disorders or because of something else. Also, the baby could have a lymph vessel problem. There are three different outcomes basically. First, is the death of the baby. This happens a lot, but I'm trying to stay positive. Second, it could stay the same. If this happens, the baby will live with the physical problems along with the underlying cause which could be like I said, a chromosome disorder such as Downs, Turners, Edwards (T-18), or Patau's (T-13). Edwards and Patau's are actually veryvery fatal. The others could be liveable, for how long with these other problems, we don't know. The third is that the problems could go away...the cysts, and the hydrops. This is a low BUT possible chance. Even if it does go away, the baby could still have a chromosomal disorder. Dr. BK said that I have a 9% chance of having a "normal" baby.I am scared...I can't explain it. But at the same time, I have this peace in my heart. I know that peace is coming from my baby. He or she is being loved and prayed for so much that I don't think anyone could be more loved! This is probably the most unlikely situation you would hear this from me, but I feel so blessed. I love this baby more than the world, and for God to choose me to carry him or her, that is more than enough.Please don't feel sorry for me. Continue to pray and keep me in your thoughts. God is in control. Please pray.

Sorry it's so messy. I am too lazy to change the spacing and such.

I am trying to stay positive in all of this. It's not hard, but God won't give me anything I can't handle so I know I'll be ok.