The beginning of it all...

For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.
In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will. And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

Romans 8:24-28

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I have never felt in such a way that I do now.

Just a couple months ago, right after I turned 18, I basically ran away. I packed my clothes during the day, and left before my parents got home. They didn't realize until after my curfew that something was wrong. I knew my mom would be hurting that night, and it didn't even really affect me. Why does it matter anyway? Why does she always have to cry? Must be a mom thing.

"There is something abnormal on the ultrasound. There is a lot of fluid on the back of its neck and stomach. Something could be wrong."

Wait...what...The tears start to flow. Must be a mom thing.

I do not think I have ever sobbed so hard. What did I do wrong that ME of ALL people have to had a baby that isn't going to be ok? I cried to God on the way home from my OBGYN appt. that day.

Then it clicked...God got my attention, and He got it FAST.

This is my post to one of the pregnancy boards I go to. It explains the diagnosis and everything...its really too much to re-write.

Well, I went to the dr. Arnold of course didn't wake up when I called him, so I wasn't going to waste my time when he acts like he doesn't care anyways. Well, the ultrasound was good. The tech was soooo much better than the last one. She actually explained to us what everything was unlike the other who made us guess and ask her to make her mad. haha. I noticed what the doctor said was abnormal. It is huge compared to its head, I think anyway. I tried not to freak out. I had to turn every which way but upside down so the baby would quit tucking its little butt under so we could get its measurements. Everything was measuring GREAT! But of course, I couldn't forget that we still had to face the problem.Dr. BK (its short for some awfully hard name lol) is a great doctor and very straightforward. He drew pictures for us and explained everything at least twice. If we asked, he just explained it again. Here is the diagnosis:I'll explain everything. The baby is diagnosed with Non-Immune Hydrops. It is composed of several different complications. First, it is made of anasarca, which is often called edema. It is the swelling of the skin. Next, it is made up of fluid build up in two different parts of the body. In my baby, there is build up around the lungs, which is called pleural effusion...around the heart, which is called pericardial effusion, and some extra in the stomach. Also, commonly associated with the hydrops, there is a cystic hygroma on the back of the neck. It looks like a sac on the back of the neck...and there are two cysts inside. The abnormal embryo dev. could be because of chromosomal disorders or because of something else. Also, the baby could have a lymph vessel problem. There are three different outcomes basically. First, is the death of the baby. This happens a lot, but I'm trying to stay positive. Second, it could stay the same. If this happens, the baby will live with the physical problems along with the underlying cause which could be like I said, a chromosome disorder such as Downs, Turners, Edwards (T-18), or Patau's (T-13). Edwards and Patau's are actually veryvery fatal. The others could be liveable, for how long with these other problems, we don't know. The third is that the problems could go away...the cysts, and the hydrops. This is a low BUT possible chance. Even if it does go away, the baby could still have a chromosomal disorder. Dr. BK said that I have a 9% chance of having a "normal" baby.I am scared...I can't explain it. But at the same time, I have this peace in my heart. I know that peace is coming from my baby. He or she is being loved and prayed for so much that I don't think anyone could be more loved! This is probably the most unlikely situation you would hear this from me, but I feel so blessed. I love this baby more than the world, and for God to choose me to carry him or her, that is more than enough.Please don't feel sorry for me. Continue to pray and keep me in your thoughts. God is in control. Please pray.

Sorry it's so messy. I am too lazy to change the spacing and such.

I am trying to stay positive in all of this. It's not hard, but God won't give me anything I can't handle so I know I'll be ok.